December 11, 2006

  • New Entry

    It's been a long time since my last entry, it seems.  I wish I had something worthwhile to say.  I could always post another political diatribe/informative piece of some sort, but I think my readers get a little sick of those.

    This is always a tough time of year for me, and this year has been a particularly rough one.  I've suffered way too many betrayals of my friendship this year...a phenomenon that is not unusual in my life for some reason, but  incomprehensible to me every time it happens.  I have a tendency to give way too much, expect simply fidelity in return, and rarely get it.  It may be that I'm giving the wrong things, but if so I can't seem to figure out what the right things are.

    There have been a couple of bright spots this year - you know who you are - and those sparks in the darkness keep me going, but just barely.  I'm at a point - for about the third time in my life - where I've run out of gas in the community I'm in, and need to go someplace else and make a fresh start but have no idea where that might be or what the fresh start might consist of.  So I just sleep most of the day, trying to avoid "reality" as much as I can.

    I yearn for a world where love is more prevalent than cruelty and/or indifference - one is never too old to yearn for that - but I don't seem to be able to find such a world even in microcosm, or (apparently) to be able to set a particularly consistent example.  In this brave new "information society" we speak endless words to one another, yet somehow no one understands anyone else or seems to have much of an interest in doing so.  In America, this land of rugged individualism and rampant consumerism, we all seem to be just ships passing in the night.  But then, I speak from the perspective of having no family.  Some of you no doubt have a far different experience.

    Well, I'm just rambling, and feeling sorry for myself a bit.  No point in saying more, I guess.  But I just wanted to let you all know I'm still here. 

    I'll leave comments on your sites from time to time.  Don't know when I'll post again.  For months now I've been wanting to write about the life of a firefighter - what's it's "really" like - but somehow I never seem to find the energy.

    Love to you all.


Comments (33)

  • Sorry to hear about you being down John. You are one of the people I admire and am thankful to have met. You have a brilliant mind and a talent for words. But I understand. This season seems to bring out feelings of loneliness and dispair to many of us. It's okay. We are only human after all. Did not even the son of God not want to partake of the bitter cup and ask his father to let the cup pass from him if it was possible? How much more are we suceptible to those feelings? Words like "My God, why has thou forsaken me?" even escaped the lips of the greatest of men...it happens, John. I'm glad that you're around. I've learned alot of things from you in the short while I have been in contact with you. "Be of good cheer my friend" is what I intended to say, but perhaps that is not what you want to hear right now. Maybe I can just offer a listening ear and words of encouragement should you need it. These feelings will pass. I will keep you in my prayers. Have a great night John.

  • This is a hard time of year for many people, myself included. I do feel thankful for the family that I do have,although we seem to be fracturing and splintering at times. I am particularly sorry and sad that you are having a hard time of it these days. Take it day by day,and keep your faith. I know that you are a person of faith and perserverence,and let those traits be your guide. I hope that you dont mind my writing  this to you. Also,I think many of your faithful readers would enjoy very much to read about the life of a firefighter,your stories and perspectives that you could share. Have a good night and take care.

  • Thanks for this honest post.  Your entries, at least the parts that are you rather than news clippings, are always honest and direct.  Thanks for being a thoughtful person.  You're always welcome in my community.  I would like to read any of your ramblings about your life.  One of the greatest homework assignments of my high school days was interviewing my Grandfather.  He could hardly speak, having suffered a stroke 20 years earlier, but I understood when he told me about the WPA and his experiences during the depression.  Please pass on your tales.

  • (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))    it is a hard time of year.  and it is easy to get disillusioned about friends...i know that firsthand.  just take care of yourself and if you do get the energy i would LOVE to hear about the life of a fireman. 

  • wow, so many people have the blues for all kinds of reasons... but, mostly, lack of love or feeling love and connected.  i struggle, too, esp. this time of year. i think it's because we tend to get a picture in our minds of what "should be" for our lives, holidays most of all, and then it doesn't turn out that way and disappointment follows.  i try to squeeze the juice out of life; take time to focus on what is good; because i tend to park by the hurt and disappointments, and, before long, my battery dies and i end up living there in my car. hahaha  a funny way to look at it, i guess.  did you notice my run-on sentence? i'm not even going to fix it.  what kind of writer am i, anyway?  ha a tired one. oh, speaking of writing and being tired:  one sentence at a time is all it takes to get you there.  i hope that helps some. :)

  • I only know three things:

    1.  In our society, it's so easy to be alone in a crowd and many people give more than they receive as far as friendships and commitments are concerned.  I think you already know in your heart you are a caring person and realize others can't or won't see your situation. You cannot fix other people.

    2.  No matter where you go or what you do, along with the dishes and recliner, you pack your emotional baggage.  In fact, it's loaded on the moving van first.  So it's only looking at your same old problems in new surroundings.

    3.  You have an incredible way with words and cutting right to the heart of the matter.  You would do your readers and yourself a great service by putting your experiences on your site.  I, for one, would be honored to be included in the circle of friends you share your thoughts with.

  • you know, i like these entries better than the political ones. then again, i'm an emotional firecracker, so that could  be why.

    you know if you ever wanna chat, good ol' kesseh is an obsessive 'net person. i'm always around. and i'm genuinely quite fond of you, so i'd give you all the time you need.

  • This season seems to intensify feelings of loneliness since most good Christmas memories are of family celebrations.  I'm so blessed to still have my wonderful family around me but I grieve at the pain of those who aren't in my position and would love to share what I have.

  • (((((((((((John))))))))))))) You're always welcome in my community! Get yerself down here for a visit sometime will ya? Justsayin..... You know you're always welcome here! I know this is a tough time of year for you my friend. You are in my thoughts, and in my prayers and if you need me, reach out.... I'm here for you! Much loving energy sent your way dear one.

    ~Namaste~

        )0(

    CrimsonWings  (A Goddess in the making!)...A continuous work in progress!

  • Please do the fire fighter thing. I would be interested to read it. Take care.

  • RYC: glad you liked it, Ecc :) We all need a little "haha" laughter courtesy american idiots.

  • I'm sorry you are feeling down.  I like it when you post personal things; it helps "us" get to know you better.  I hope you find the energy one day to post what it's really like to be a fire fighter.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Don't stay away too long!

  • I jut want to say hi and I hope you find your energy again. Maybe it is just the season for no energy.

  • Along with a number of others here I would say write the FF story.  Even if it is a paragraph at a time.  Would be very interesting.  And stop by anytime, say hello or not.  Footprints count too you know.  Will be watching for your next post.

    Tim

  • if you like, you can cut n paste it or tell him to come on over. :) i'm too tired to think.  thanks for stopping by.  it gets lonely over there. :)   i JUST told my 14 1/2 year old daughter about santa.  i was thinking her friends in high school might laugh at her if she didn't know the complete truth. :)  

  • i think things have gotten perhaps even more pointless, truth be told.

    and i like to think that eventually the ships have to dock to refuel - so at least for that moment, if no other, theres some common ground on which we can all stand.

    your entry makes me want to write one of my own - and perhaps i will when all this school-related nonsense is out of the way.

    <3

  • This is what i call the death cycle...lost two important people to me to cancer and a 3-year-old niece to DUI...good thing i'm familiar with the theophilosophy behind Shelley's "Adonais"...otherwise i'd be a basket case

  • yes, ryan is my friend's son.  it is really sad. God hears our sighs and can use them as prayers, you know? he knows our words before they're on our tongues.  He is inclined to listen, believe that.  The important thing isn't how good we are at having a conversation with God; the important thing is how powerful he is and how much he WANTS to help.  :) i'm learning this stuff more all the time.

  • p.s.  yep, she truly believed, and feels kind of resentful that i told her the truth.  i just thought, "hmm, i don't want her to keep believing when her friends will make fun of her; then think God and Santa are alike in the whole 'make-believe' aspect..."   so i told her.  i waited for years for her to make up her own mind that it was pretend or just tradition based on the person Santa is based on, but she didn't. :) she is, in some ways, sooooo innocent.

  • often betrayal is part of an equation that holds the depth of expectation as its principle multiplier...

    you see the good in everyone mostly...hopefully that will not diminish..but yeah...it does leave you open when you more than hope that people will follow that "higher ground" in their actions...

    jm

  • "Looks like you've got a birthday coming up today or tomorrow, MejicoJohn. I hope you find a double handful of hot babes to celebrate it with. Then, when you're rested, you can elucidate your agenda as King of North America. We'll all be waiting."

    thursday actually, , , im trying to forget it. . . and unfortunately dont have time for hot chicks except to tap out a few lines about them.

    and as for the last part, , , been working on a post this morning, , , i have to tear down this computer and move it across the room and set up a new one, , , this one being transfered to another person, , , so i may not finish and release my post till later tonite, , ,

    so many things to do, , , so little space to write about it, , , ive selected  taxes in general as my first post, , , i think ill make the next one about schools, , , but i cant promise that as i havent started it yet, , , i have in fact started my tax post, , , which may skim onto other subjects, , , if any particular subject is of interest to anyone, , , i can adjust my agenda of posting to move this in front of that, , , etc, , ,

    i really dont have any order of posting, , , as all aspects are of equal importance, , , all i know is ill be talking about taxes in my next post.

    thank you for your comment.

  • write it, sell it, buy me a house...

  • Hard times ocurrs even with the most strongest people specially on Christmas time so you better be careful.  I wish I could go there to spend time on a coffehouse with your company surounded by lonely poets on a raining monday night in the city.  But here I am... stucked in this deserted redneck town and if wasn't for my husband I could go bezerk.  BTY: yes... I got a new laptop from Aarons since I gave up on the credit crap.  Maybe, you should start over... perhaps you got much better luck, meeting new people and situations.  But please, don't go down!  ok?

  • it seems the comments above have said most of the things i might say with one exception...I do not know why but for myself ,and people in my family who are prone to the blues moving to a new place often does seem to help.I must have moved twenty times as a kid since my dad often addressed his sense of isolation by moving .The distraction i think may be why it helps.Eventually it is true the old hurts resurface. but there is always the thought that in the new place you travel to you may discover a purposE you are well suited to serve...and may find peace again from that.(( HUGS )) ....and peace....

  • ryc:  I only wish I could shred those rolls of paper!!  That would be so nice. 

  • RYC: I think your story sounds all too (sadly) familiar. I think it's wretched of someone to do that to a father and his child. Your ex-wife sounds a bit mentally/emotionally disturbed. Unfortunately, knowing that does little to fix things that have already been done. Do not give up hope that your daughter wants to have a deeper relationship with you regardless of the fact her mother has done her level best to undermine your relationship, and regardless of the fact that she is an adult now. My own father comes from a similar perspective as you regarding our relationship...I would give almost anything if he could see past his anger with my mother and want to develop a deeper relationship with me...but he harbors so much resentment for my mother it will never be. As for my daughter and her father, the story is a less dramatic one  - we have always lived 5 or so miles away from him and I have always made sure he knew where we were and how to reach us. I wanted him to pursue a relationship with our daughter. I wanted that for her because I never had one with mine and I knew how much it hurt. It is honestly a case of him not having that desire, or maybe not having the capacity because of his own issues. I still want them to have a relationship...I'm just tired of being accused of motives I absolutely do not have, and I'm tired of feeling like my guts have been ripped out every time he disappoints my daughter. I have another daughter, younger than the one mentioned in my post...her father lives out of state and sees her and speaks to her more often than my eldest daughter's father who lives here in town. I've never done anything to prevent either one of them from forming a relationship with their children...it's just that one is willing, and the other not so much.

  • ryc: thank you

  • ryc: oh, i have complete faith in the fact that daniel would never use and discard me. i really do; i trust him implicitly. where i lack the trust, though, is in his ability to realize that my life is infinitely more full of love and light than his own. as such, his advice may be coming from the best possible place, but its still tainted by his unwillingness to love people the way i do. his advice may be good, and sound, but i can't figure out whether its advice he gives keeping in mind that i care about people, or if its advice he gives based on his own perspectives about people and their worth.

  • ryc: actually, its because you're fairly new to my journal. although, i'd love to elaborate on that through aim, or msn, or even xanga messages if you're up to it.

  • This was my last day of classes. Thanks for the comment. How are you doing? Are you guys having the heat wave that we are having here imn Milwaukee? Probably will snow tomorrow...Oh! Mother Nature is so unpredictable. I am driving a bunch of students/friends back to Madison for the holiday break in a few minutes...but I wanted to stop by and say hello!!

  • Was that a typo?  You sure you didn't mean feeble?  LOL  I love it when you use those big fancy words.

  • RYC: I did work as a bartender about...well that was before I started this xanga I think. December 2001 I hung up that apron. I think what frustrates me most about doing these Joe jobs that I continue to do is that I went to college. I take these jobs purely out of need for money - and it's not big money but it does pay the bills. Any work is better than nothing so I can at least those student loans and not get hit with interest for that expensive piece of paper that currently earns me naught. I just have not been able to take the next step yet, you know. People these days want experience before they hire someone - it's not just what you know anymore. And unless I can weasel my way in via an entry level position (which seem hard to come by unless you move in the right circles) Well...yeah. Endless rant, right? And there are plenty of people who get stuck in the same position. I get so frustrated with myself for it, (hence all the venting) but I think I am still going to hold off on the dream-like job until mid 2008 when a few other life-type-things will be changing. Even then...I might find the dream is not all it's cracked up to be. But hey...there's always retail, right? *screws up face in disgust* I shouldn't complain I guess, because it is a choice I have made...but...I am so mad at myself for taking one step forward and seven back. Not two. Seven.

  • "How will people be paid for work in your kingdom, John? Will there be extremely rich people and extremely poor people? Will certain people like investment bankers and corporate CEO's make a thousand times as much as teachers, firefighters, police officers? Will pay be based on "merit" (and if so, on education? some form of achievement? intrinsic value of the service performed, as defined by someone? amount of money generated?) or on need (e.g., how many dependents a person has)?

    As it happens, I am in "real life" a disabled firefighter. My back is shot and my hips are going. I don't LOOK disabled, but I can't lift anything heavy and I can't stand for long periods of time or walk for more than a couple of blocks. There are things I'm perfectly capable of doing, but I can't maintain concentration for 8 hours a day. How will you determine whether I'm disabled or a "fraud", John, and where will I fit in your kingdom? Will I be able to live with some sort of dignity, or will I be treated like shit and left to die in a ditch somewhere?"

    why would i mess with free enterprise, , , the only system currently working?  you used to pay $1.50 a minute to talk on a cell phone, , , now, , , its $40 a month for unlimited long distance, , , works for me.

    social security doesnt fall under welfare or food stamps, , , i believe i have already mentioned i would see the money was returned that the current government stole from the program back to the program.

    ssi would have to be totally revamped, , , again, , , billions wasted there, , , most of these have never worked, , , nor do they plan on working, , , im sure you understand ssi and social security are not one and the same.  most current ssi recipients would fall under the govt housing and food program, , , and it would not be a bad life, , , but not one subject to excesses and abuses, , ,

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