September 27, 2008

• The REAL Presidential Debate

  Through diligent and exhaustive research, I was able to obtain a copy of the REAL Presidential debate last night, the one that actually took place in Oxford, Mississippi rather than the one that was shown on prime-time TV.

  JIM LEHRER: Good evening. I'm Jim Lehrer.

  LEHRER: You may remember me from an earlier age of TV journalism, when
  we transmitted official lies and propaganda to our educated audience in
  a very calm, reassuring way. When oil companies weren't afraid to
  openly finance our efforts. Well, those days are gone now, lost amid
  all the shouting, sound effects, visual wipes, incomplete sentences,
  and the general hullaballoo that makes my aging brain hurt. Dear God
  how it hurts. Some days I want to just put a Tec 9 in my mouth and . .
  . (coughs). Tonight, we're honored to have the two leading candidates
  for president of the United States. Let's bring 'em out here! Fellas!

  MCCAIN: (whispering) I'm taking you out, gook boy.

  OBAMA: (whispering) Step up, cracka.

  LEHRER: Gentlemen, thank you for being here. As you both know,
  tonight's format is designed to skim over complex issues and avoid
  talking about where the real power in the country resides. So feel free
  to pop off at will, regardless of facts or objective reality. Senator
  Obama, the economy. What's your view?

  OBAMA: Jim, I was talking to some of my Wall Street backers earlier
  today, and they're hurting. This current crisis, started deliberately
  by the Bush administration with Sen. McCain as their dancing monkey,
  means of course that my rich and influential friends and supporters are
  going to need help. Lots of it. This is why I'll eventually support
  whatever bail out is coughed up in Washington. But I want the working
  people of America to know that I'll continue speak out of both sides of
  my mouth, will employ the term "Wall Street/Main Street" for as long as
  my advisers say it resonates, and will look good while doing it. That's
  my promise to the middle class.

  MCCAIN: Jim, what Sen. Obama is refusing to say is that neither one of
  us really cares about average working people. If we did, we wouldn't be
  up here, surrounded by Secret Service agents packing some of the finest
  heat this great nation still produces. But it's part of getting
  elected, so we go through the motions, say what our handlers think is
  best, and hope that it sticks. And you know what? It almost always
  does! I swear to God, the crap people will swallow in this country
  boggles what's left of my fading mind. As I was telling my dear friend
  General Petraeus the other day, "David, there's a knot on the back of
  my thigh. Do you think it's a clot? Should I have it checked? What time
  is chow?" And that's why overseeing an equitable bail out is so
  important to the economy.

  LEHRER: Okay. Now that we got that out of the way, let's talk about war.

  MCCAIN: (claps hands) Finally!

  OBAMA: Jim, let me say that I'm just as eager to promote war as Sen. McCain.

  LEHRER: Duly noted, Senator. Let's start with you, then. You're the new
  Commander in Chief. It's a scary world out there. How do you handle it?

  OBAMA: With bombs, Jim. Cluster bombs, cruise missiles, white
  phosphorus -- whatever will do the job. The difference between Sen.
  McCain and myself is that when I call for expanded war, I sound
  reasonable, like the guy who has dozens of bodies stuffed in his
  crawlspace, but is able to explain away the stench while questioned by
  police. Sen. McCain lacks that kind of steadiness. If it was his house,
  he'd lose his temper and blow his cover. America needs a leader who can
  deny the corpses buried in the walls, and turn that rotting smell into
  freedom's potpourri.

  MCCAIN: Once again, Sen. Obama's showing his inexperience. As any
  professional serial killer knows, you don't bury your victims inside
  the house, or even in the backyard. You take them to a neutral
  location, chop them up into easily disposable pieces, and disperse
  their remains over a wide area. Sen. Obama's plan rests on his ability
  to sweet talk the authorities into ignoring what their senses are
  telling them. In these dangerous times, that's not going to hold up. As
  my soulmate General Petraeus once put it, you can spread butter on
  pretty much anything, but freedom must contain essential proteins, and
  grass stains will come out if you pre-soak, but only if the air is dry.
  That's the kind of spirit America needs to believe in.

  LEHRER: Gentlemen, let's get specific. Who do you plan to kill, and how?

  OBAMA: Jim, I opposed the Iraq invasion, which was easy to do since I
  wasn't in the Senate yet, and so wasn't put on the spot. Since then,
  depending on polls and intelligence reports, I've hedged my bets about
  Iraq, but am now settling into the position shared by many leading
  imperial strategists. Yes, I'll continue to kill and suppress Iraqis,
  but our client regime there must help finance their own subjugation.
  It's only fair. As for Afghanistan, I defy Sen. McCain to match my
  bloodlust on that front. John talks a good game about blowing the
  living hell out of civilians there, but I'll actually do it. In fact, I
  can't wait to do it. It's near the top of my list. (pulls out list from
  breast pocket) See? Right there, Number 2, just under "Nail Anne
  Hathaway."

  MCCAIN: Sen. Obama's leaving out his desire to bomb Pakistan, which is just crazy.

  OBAMA:(shaking list at McCain) It's Number 5, John! Number 5! Don't misrepresent my position!

  MCCAIN: Only a madman would try that. No, Jim, provoking, undermining,
  and perhaps eventually fighting Russia is the wisest course of action.
  I've been to Tibilisi, Gori, Rustavi, Reno, Chicago, Fargo, Minnesota,
  Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow, Sarasota, Wichita, Tulsa, Ottawa, Oklahoma,
  Tampa, Panama, Mattawa, La Paloma, Bangor, Baltimore, Salvador,
  Amarillo, Tocapillo, Baranquilla, and Perdilla. I'm a killer, Jim.

  OBAMA: Jim, I protest Sen. McCain injecting Johnny Cash into this debate.

  MCCAIN: Sen. Obama may be too young to know this, but I was doing the Hank Snow version.

  LEHRER: Amazing as it seems, we've run out of time. Gentlemen, take a bow.

  LEHRER: There you have it, America. One of these guys is going to run
  the place. Fortunately for me, I probably won't live to see how it all
  turns out. Goodnight everybody!

  posted by Dennis Perrin at 12:23 PM
  http://dennisperrin.blogspot.com/2008/09/how-lucky-we-are.html

  • 3:43 pm
  • 4 Comments